I feel like re-posting "breathe deep, my love" because I feel like he needs it. I want to help. I really do. I can't hate someone I once loved with every beat of my heart. I don't love him anymore - not like that. I just want him to be happy. I'm happy, and I wish only the same for him.
How do you help someone pick up pieces that were strewn before you? How do you [metaphorically] look someone in the eyes and help them with something when they, for all intents and purposes, hate you? I don't know if he hates me. I really hope he doesn't, because hate only brings pain and suffering. Maybe it is part of my healing. Maybe it needs to be dealt with so I can move on and completely become the person I'm becoming. Maybe I'm suffering from the suffering I endured. [[deep thought here]]

"You hurt me. I never told you. You tore my soul apart. I was so angry that you never saw what you did to me. I was so angry that I couldn't move on, I couldn't commit because I couldn't trust myself. I blamed you for not trusting myself. I blamed you for belittling me and smashing my self-confidence. I don't want a face to face with you because that would end badly. [well, right now, it would end badly]
Are you the same person as you were before? Are you that mean, hateful, spiteful man? Are you trying to grow? Are you trying to learn? Are you trying to become? I grew when you divorced me."

--that's something that hasn't ever been difficult for me to admit: you divorced me. you wanted it, I agreed. That was the easiest thing to admit, I think. Then, I internalized. I thought there was so much wrong with me because I was sure I had screwed up. So, I changed myself. I cut off all my hair and lost all that weight I'd gained at the end of our marriage because I was so depressed. I fell into my work and made no effort to swim out. I started researching meditation and Buddhism and love and loving speech and mindful listening. I learned to help myself grow. Work Work Work